The Third Book of Short Stories by Lyn Funnell

Author:Lyn Funnell
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: drinking, government, community spirit, barman, funny, humour, tea, electrical, unemployment, robbery, crown jewels, auntie, uncle, palace pier, ghost train
ISBN: 9781849893671
Publisher: Andrews UK Limited 2011
Published: 2011-03-01T00:00:00+00:00

The Newsmaker

‘So you want to be a Newsmaker, son.’

‘Yes please, Mr Mulligan! I’ve wanted to be a Newsmaker all my life.’

‘I hope you realise how lucky you are to have an opportunity like this, son.’

‘Oh I do, Mr Mulligan!’

‘With unemployment at 50% and a four day working week, people have a lot of leisure time, son. And it’s our duty to fill some of that leisure time; to keep them interested. Damn machines have taken over a lot of jobs, but they’ll never take over from a Newsmaker. We’re too important!’

‘I know, my Dad told me all about it, Mr Mulligan.’

‘Ah, your Dad. If you turn out half as good as he was, you’ll be one of the best, son. Now tell me, have you had any experience?’

‘Oh no, Mr Mulligan, my Dad wouldn’t let me do anything until I started.’

‘Fair enough son, fair enough. But you’ve had plenty of time to think of some ideas.’

‘Oh yes Mr Mulligan, I have! I thought I could start by mugging some old ladies.’

‘No no, son! That’s not news! Lots of people mug old ladies and nobody cares. Saves the country a fortune in pensions. Did you know, son, that the Eskimos and the Red Indians – sorry, Native Americans – used to take their old folk to somewhere remote and leave them there to die.’

‘How cruel! Why did they do that, Mr Mulligan?’

‘To save food, son. Thank God we’re more civilised than that! You could try raping a few. Now that’s news son, raping old ladies. People don’t understand how anyone could do it with an old lady.’

‘I don’t think I could do it either, Mr Mulligan! I could rape a few younger ones though.’

‘No no, son, that’s not news. Not unless you rape them in their hundreds. Do you think you could manage that?’

‘I could try, Mr Mulligan.’

‘It could be nasty, son, if one of them put up a fight. If she grabbed you and squeezed hard it would bring tears to your eyes, son.’

‘Oh, I never thought of that, Mr Mulligan! Well what about children?’

‘Kids? Nah, that’s not news, son! Nobody cares about kids! What do you think this is, the Med? If a kid gets attacked or bumped off, it serves the parents right for letting it out on its own, doesn’t it? Did you know, son that they used to hang people for killing kids?’

‘Why did they stop, Mr Mulligan?’

‘Well, they’d be hanging people every day now, wouldn’t they? Nah, kids ain’t news, son.’

‘I could get some people to strip off in public.’

‘You’re joking! Who cares about nude bodies? Seen a couple and you’ve seen the lot. Even the ratings of ‘Strip and Tell’ on Sunday nights has dropped. Did you know, son that some newspapers used to feature a topless female every day.’

‘Whatever for, Mr Mulligan?’

‘It was a sort of virility test, son. Groups of men used to shout things like, ‘Gor, look at the knockers on that!’ or ‘Hey, what I’d like to do to her!’ Then they’d turn to the sports page when no-one was watching them.

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